Ad-ditional Fiction

A Look at Life after :30

6 notes

For Your Eyes Only


               INT. TAXI CAB - DAY

               DADDY stops waving and rolls up his window as his family
               fades in the distance. He addresses TAXI DRIVER (48).

                                   DADDY
                         Don’t take the freeway. We’ll never
                         make it on time.

                                   TAXI DRIVER
                         Yes sir. Please buckle up.

               Daddy fastenes his seat belt, looks at his phone, and presses
               play. MOMMY appears on screen in a sexy black négligée.

                                   MOMMY
                         Hey Daddy, press pause and put on
                         headphones for this.

               Daddy looks up sheepishly and makes eye contact with Taxi
               Driver in the rearview mirror.

                                   DADDY
                             (Shrugging)
                         Women.

               Daddy puts on his headphones and presses play.

                                   MOMMY
                         Daddy, we’ve been made. Santoko is
                         dead, and the Ultrechs are making
                         their move. For the girls’ sake, I
                         couldn’t risk telling you before.
                         Meet us at the safe house. I love
                         you.

               Daddy removes his headphones. Thinks for a moment.

                                   DADDY
                         Hey man, slight change of plans. I
                         actually need to go to…

               Suddenly Taxi Driver slams on the gas, the acceleration
               throws Daddy back against his seat. A thick fiberglass
               divider raises from the floor, sealing Daddy in the back.

                                   DADDY (CONT’D)
                         What the hell?!!

               Blue smoke begins pouring into the back from a vent. Daddy
               begins coughing immediately. He presses on his seat belt, but
               the buckle won’t release.

                                   DADDY (CONT’D)
                         You bastard!

               Daddy pulls a switchblade from his pocket and cuts the belt.
               He tries the door. Punches the divider. Kicks the window.
               Nothing. His coughing turns to gasping.

                                   DADDY (CONT’D)
                         Please!

               Daddy grabs his Samsung Galaxy III, selects “Mommy” from
               contacts and starts typing.

                                   CAMERA SCREEN
                         C-O-M-P-R-O-M-I-S

               The phone falls from Daddy’s hand. He collapses, foam coming
               from his mouth. Up front, Taxi Driver holds a shitty HTC
               phone to his ear.

                                   TAXI DRIVER
                         It’s done.

               He hangs up the phone and pulls onto the on ramp leading to
               the freeway.

2 notes

Play It Again… And Again


               EXT. GEICO DITTY STAGE - MOMENTS LATER

               JIMMY looks at RONNIE. Exhausted.

                                   JIMMY
                             (panting)
                         I’m out of ideas. I can’t keep up
                         with this pace.

                                   RONNIE
                         We have to keep going.

                                   JIMMY
                        We shouldn’t bear this burden alone!

               A loud rumble. The ground shakes. They share a panicked look.

                                   RONNIE
                         Oh no, no, no. Already? Play
                         something.

                                   JIMMY
                         I got nothing.

                                   RONNIE
                         Please! Assuage the Gods!

               Jimmy clears his throat and strums a familiar ditty.

                                   JIMMY
                         You know Ronnie, folks who save
                         hundreds of dollars by switching to
                         Geico sure are happy.

               Ronnie does G.E. Smith face, riffs off of Jimmy.

                                   RONNIE
                         How happy are they Jimmy?

               Jimmy pauses. Ronnie stares. Begging.

                                   JIMMY
                         Happier than a rat during the
                         Bubonic Plague.

               The ground shakes.

                                   JIMMY (CONT’D)
                         Happier than whatever polar bears
                         hunt.

               The sky darkens. Thunder claps.

                                   JIMMY (CONT’D)
                         Happier that a Doomsday prepper at
                         the fall of Western Civilization.

               Small tornadoes descend from the heavens.

                                   JIMMY (CONT’D)
                         Happier than Caligula being fed
                         grapes by a pre-pubescent boy.

               The ground splinters. Ronnie falls. Loses his glasses.

                                   JIMMY (CONT’D)
                         Happier than a trustafarian finding
                         a drum cicle at Bonnaroo.

               The shaking stops. Skies clear. Birds chirp. Ronnie gets up.
               Both men weep as they strum the final few chords together.

                                   RONNIE
                         I’m sorry Jimmy, but this is our
                         destiny. It is written.

                                   JIMMY
                         I know Ronnie. I know.

               The ground begins to shake…

0 notes

Thor’s Mechanic

               EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - DAY

               Dozens of police cars create a semi-circle outside of a small
               home. Cops scramble into position, and take aim at the home
               with handguns, shotguns, and assault rifles.

               Behind the cars, a S.W.A.T. team has assembled a makeshift
               command center. The team leader MCBRIDE (38) shows CHIEF
               DAVIS (50), a laptop. On the screen us the interior of the
               home. VIKING is surrounded by 18-20 women, oblivious to
               what’s happening outside.

                                   MCBRIDE
                         We got the fiber optics in Sir.
                         Should be an easy takedown.

                                   DAVIS
                         This needs to be precise. There are
                         some important women in there.

               A motorcycle engine revs. The men turn their heads, and see a
               chopper being let through the perimeter set up to keep the
               press and public at a safe distance.

                                   MCBRIDE
                             (angry)
                         Commander, we don’t need…

                                   DAVIS
                         I don’t want to hear it McBride.
                         Guardado is the best we’ve got.

               Guardado dismounts the chopper and walks towards the command
               center, removing the helmet and revealing that Guardado is a
               woman (Vanessa Marcil).

                                   GUARDADO
                         Got here as fast as I could Chief. What
                         do we got?

                                   DAVIS
                             (pointing to the screen)
                         Take a look.

               Guardao moves in close to the laptop.

                                   DAVIS (CONT’D)
                         Some asshole is creating his own
                         Valhalla. He’s been going around
                         taking the cars and women of
                         unhandy men. Including the DA’s.

                                   GUARDADO
                         The women don’t look too upset.

                                   MCBRIDE
                             (disdainful)
                         Ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome?

                                   GUARDADO
                         Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
                             (to Davis)
                         Unhandy men… I got an idea.

                                   MCBRIDE
                         No way! We’re taking that door!

                                   GUARDADO
                             (moving close to McBride)
                         Afraid to lose to a girl, like you
                         did at The Academy McBride?

                                   MCBRIDE
                         You just want to get the glory.

                                   GUARDADO
                         If you think it’s about getting
                         glory, then you’ll never get it.

                                   DAVIS
                             (interceding)
                         What do you need Guardado?

                                   GUARDADO
                         A woman, a car, and everyone gone.

               EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - MOMENTS LATER

               The Police presence is gone from in front of the home. A
               dusty car drives slowly down the street, and comes to a stop
               in front of the house. The hazard lights go on.

               A man (but wait, it’s really Guardado in disguise) gets out
               and looks under the hood, clueless. A bored young woman sits
               shotgun. Twirls her hair.


               INT. VIKING’S LAIR - CONTINUOUS

               Viking, being fed grapes by one of the women, senses
               something in the air. He gets up and moves to the window.

               EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - CONTINUOUS

               Using peripheral vision, Guardado sees a curtain move inside.

                                   GUARDADO
                             (into a hidden wire)
                         We’ve got movement. Wait for my go.

               Viking, in full regalia, exits the home and approaches the
               car with swagger. He smiles at the woman in the car.

                                   VIKING
                         You don’t deser…

               A shot rings out. Viking crumbles to the ground.

                                   GUARDADO
                             (running to Viking in slow
                              motion)
                         NNNNOOOOOOOOOO!

               Guardado reaches him. Cradles him. He’s gone.

               Staring across the street Guardado sees McBride on a rooftop
               holding a sniper rifle. He smiles and blows her a kiss.

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Prom Nightmare

               INT. THE OFFICE OF DR. RUBIN CARLICHIO - DAY

               Multiple diplomas and hunting pictures from Africa adorn the
               walls of DR. RUBIN CARLICHIO. The Dr. (52) sits at a mahogany
               desk conducting therapy session with CHAZ (24, Goth) who lays
               on the couch.

                                   DR.
                         That sounds like a liberating
                         experience to me Chaz, yet you call
                         it the worst night of your life.
                         Why?

                                   CHAZ
                         I got pulled over doing 100 in a
                         65, spent the night in jail and
                         lost my license.

                                   DR.
                         That’s not so…

                                   CHAZ
                             (interrupting)
                         I’m not finished.

                                   DR.
                         Sorry.

                                   CHAZ
                         Think I got an apology from Eric
                         Gilmartin for punching me and
                         repeatedly kicking me in the ribs?

               Beat.

                                   CHAZ (CONT’D)
                         No. He and his boys scrawled “Chaz
                         the Spazz” in feces on Dad’s Audi
                         and threw flaming bags of it at our
                         house all summer.

                                   DR.
                         That’s unfortunate.

                                   CHAZ
                             (Incredulous)
                         Unfortunate? Unfortunate was Ali’s
                         restraining order. I wasn’t allowed
                         within 500 feet of graduation.

                                   DR.
                         So, she DIDN’T like it. Because
                         from the initial description it
                         sounded like maybe…

               Chaz sits up. Stares at the doctor.

                                   CHAZ
                         And when Princeton found out, Dad’s
                         conspicuous consumption was
                         powerless, and I…
                             (Voice breaking/sobbing)
                         I had to go to Middlebury.

                                   DR.
                         Dear God. Chaz, that’s horrible.
                         I’m so sorry.

4 notes

100,000 Doritos Later

               EXT. SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY - DAY

               In the breakdown lane of a highway strewn with litter and and
               abandoned vehicles, two men huddle against a rusted
               convertible. In the distance, a city burns.

               Seated with his back against the car, VALET GUY (35) cradles
               the head of DOUCHEY EXEC (42) in his lap. Douchey Exec
               struggles to breath. Tears form in Valet Guy’s eyes.

                                   DOUCHEY EXEC
                             (coughing)
                         Well, looks like it’s the end.

                                   VALET GUY
                         Don’t say that. Don’t you ever…

                                   DOUCHEY EXEC
                         It’s okay. We had a great run.

               A violent cough seizes Douchey Exec. He spits blood onto
               Valet Guy’s shoe.

                                   DOUCHEY EXEC (CONT’D)
                         You hated me at first.

                                   VALET GUY
                         It was just a misunderstanding.

                                   DOUCHEY EXEC
                         I deserved it. Thought I had life
                         all figured out. But you guys
                         taught me what it meant to LIVE.

               Valet Guy swats a fly away from Douchey Exec’s forehead.

                                   VALET GUY
                         That much time on the road changed
                         us all.

                                   DOUCHEY EXEC
                             (laughing)
                         God, remember the dive bar in Santa
                         Fe, and Banana and Officer Mustache
                         hustled those locals?

                                   VALET GUY
                         Sixty thousand Doritos ago.

               Douchey Exec’s laughter turns into an agonizing coughing fit.
               It’s sickening. Valet Guy keeps his eyes forward, stroking
               his friend’s back until the fit subsides.

                                   DOUCHEY EXEC
                         I miss those bastards.

                                   VALET GUY
                         They weren’t meant for this. Too
                         much light for a world this dark.

               For a moment they sit in silence, letting the twilight Sun
               caress their faces.

                                   DOUCHEY EXEC
                         You need to go.

                                   VALET GUY
                         There’s no threat here.

                                   DOUCHEY EXEC
                         There never is, until there is.
                         We’ve seen the beginning of the end
                         together, but there’s no Doritos
                         left for me.

               They make eye contact. Holding the stare. Saying more than
               words ever could.

                                   DOUCHEY EXEC (CONT’D)
                         For the bold!

                                   VALET GUY
                         For the bold.

               With a quick, unforgiving motion, Valet Guy SNAPS Douchey
               Exec’s neck. Douchey Exec’s legs give a quick kick, and then
               go limp. Valet Guy hangs his head and begins to sob.

               TYPE SUPER:  10 DORITOS LATER

               EXT. HIGHWAY - DUSK

               With tears and nacho cheese streaked across his face, Valet
               Guy speeds the convertible down the deserted highway. He
               looks in the rearview at a banana suit, a police officer’s
               uniform, and a business suit all folded neatly in the back
               seat. He sets his gaze forward and presses down the
               accelerator going faster… faster… faster…

0 notes

Push It To The Limit

               INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT - EVENING

               LAUREN pauses her television and stares at JACK on the screen
               with ALICIA KEYS.

                                   LAUREN
                         No way Jack. I ended it. You don’t
                         get to win.

               Lauren drops to the floor and begins doing bicycle crunches
               as “Push It To The Limit” (Scarface, South Park edit) begins
               and plays throughout…

               MONTAGE - LAUREN IN ACTION

               — Lauren stares into her closet. Frowns.

               — Lauren emerges from Saks with a half dozen bags.

               — Lauren’s hairdresser reveals a fresh cut & color. They nod
               to each other. You looking good girl.

                                   SONG
                        ” Push it to the limit.
                         (The Limit!)
                         Walk along the razor’s edge, but
                         don’t look down just keep your
                         head, and you’ll be finished.”

               — Lauren walks to the front of a packed Zumba class, takes
               the INSTRUCTOR’s headset, pushes him away, and starts
               expertly leading. Everyone mirrors her movement.

               — Lauren exits the gym and snakes a cab from an INVESTMENT
               BANKER TYPE. He stares in awe.

                                   SONG (CONT’D)
                         "Open up the limit.
                         (The Limit!)
                         Past the point of no return,
                         reached the top but still you gotta
                         learn how to keep it.”

               — Lauren and THREE FRIENDS drink Bellinis at a swanky
               rooftop bar. Lauren scribbles her number on a napkin and goes
               to hand it to a HOT BARTENDER. As he reaches for it, she
               tears it up and throws it in his face. The women all high
               five as he scrambles to pick up the pieces.

                                   SONG (CONT’D)
                         “Hit the wheel and double mistakes.
                         Throttle wide open like a bat out
                         of hell, and you crash the gates.
                         (Crash the gates!)”

               — At a self-defense seminar, Lauren repeatedly kicks a
               heavily-padded man in the groin, takes him to the ground, and
               applies an arm bar. He taps. She doesn’t relent.

                                   SONG (CONT’D)
                         “Going for the back of beyond.
                         Nothing gonna stop you, there’s
                         nothing that strong. So close now
                         you’re nearly at the brink, so push
                         it!”

               — Lauren lays on a massage table at a high end day spa with
               cucumbers on her eyes.

                                   SONG (CONT’D)
                         "Oooo Yeah!"

               — A Marquee reads TONIGHT: KENNY CHESNEY

               — An ENORMOUS BOUNCER stops Lauren at the velvet rope.

               — Lauren emerges from a Janitor’s closet. The bouncer
               stumbles out behind her. His world rocked.

                                   SONG (CONT’D)
                         "Welcome to the limiiiit!"

               — KENNY CHESNEY sees Lauren in the front row, he pulls her
               up on stage.

                                   SONG (CONT’D)
                         "Push it to the limiiit!"

               — Lauren takes a selfie with Kenny with the audience in the
               background.


               INT. JACK’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

               Jack sips on Malbec and reads Harper’s as “Hey Soul Sister”
               by Train plays in the background. His phone buzzes, an
               incoming text. He picks it up and looks.

                                   JACK
                         God damn it!

               Jack drops to the floor and starts doing push ups as “Hearts
               on Fire” (Rocky IV) begins and plays throughout…

0 notes

Walk Hard


               I/E. MULTIPLE LOCATIONS - DAY

               DOUCHEY PITCHMAN (DP) exits the UTI building. Strides across
               the parking lot. Inflated sense of self importance.

                                   DP
                         This hyper-aggressive, toolish
                         bravado isn’t an act, it’s a curse.

               DP pushes a shopping cart filled entirely with steak.

                                   DP (CONT’D)
                         It started out as a way to get
                         people to recognize and respect me.

               DP walks on a treadmill set to a nearly impossible incline.
               Holds the rails for support.

                                   DP (CONT’D)
                         But regardless of the negative
                         reactions to my contrived alpha
                         maleness, I can’t stop.

               DP walks down the aisle of the church, cutting the Communion
               line and snagging a wafer.

                                   DP (CONT’D)
                         I’ve spent every holiday alone
                         since Mom died.

                                   PRIEST (O.C.)
                         The Body of Christ…

               DP walks along skid row. Stops to warm his hands over a
               burning trash can. Keeps walking.

                                   DP
                         I haven’t had a woman in years.

               DP walks in front of a bus. Braces for impact. The bus
               swerves. He keeps walking.

                                   DP (CONT’D)
                         I’m so damn lonely. The UTI 1-800
                         number goes directly to my cell.

               DP walks down a long pier. Wrapped in heavy chains.

                                   DP (CONT’D)
                         Please. Call before I reach the end
                         of this…

               DP walks off the pier and plunges into the water.

0 notes

Hairy Situation


               INT. NYC APARTMENT - DAY

               MEGHAN (27) enters her apartment carrying groceries. She sets
               down her keys and walks to the kitchen, passing a closed door
               from which there is a soft buzzing sound.

                                   MEGHAN
                         Hey Dave, I’m home.

               Setting the groceries on the counter, she gets a bottle of
               beer from the fridge, twists off the cap, and takes a sip.
               She turns away from the fridge, drops the beer, and screams.

                                   DAVE (O.S.)
                         I’d lance a boil with me.

               DAVE (27), who is completely hairless, moves towards her. In
               his right hand a Norelco razor. In his left hand a cat
               missing roughly 80% of its fur.

                                   MEGHAN
                         What did you to Robbie?!?!

               Dave drags the razor across ROBBIE (3) again. Robbie audibly
               purrs.

                                   DAVE
                         I’d swap vials of blood with me.

                                   MEGHAN
                         I got you the Norelco for light
                         grooming. This is FUCKED.

               He shaves off the tip of Robbie’s tail.

                                   DAVE
                         I could stop, but I’d rather watch
                         Aaron Sorkin’s “The Newsroom” with
                         me.

                                   MEGHAN
                         Now you’re REALLY scaring me Dave.

               Dave tosses Robbie and lunges at Meghan. He loses his footing
               on the spilt beer and crashes to the ground. As he struggles
               to get up, Meghan knocks him unconscious with a baking pin.
               She grabs Robbie and runs out screaming. The apartment is
               left totally silent except for the sound of the Norelco,
               buzzing on the floor next to Dave. 

0 notes

Men Without Hope

               INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL - DAY

               15 MEN WITHOUT PANTS sit in the corner of a larger holding
               cell. From a few a feet away the other inmates glare at them.

                                   MUSCULAR TAN GUY
                         Great idea Gary.

               GARY (Blond mullet, red underwear) cowers.

                                   BEARD AND GLASSES GUY
                         I thought the Men Being Men Club
                         was going to be golfing and eating
                         assorted meats. Not this.

                                   DENIM JACKET GUY
                         We’ll be eating meat soon. Sex
                         offenders don’t last in gen pop.

               Everyone stares at Gary.

                                   GARY
                         How was I supposed to know there
                         was a day camp up there? Where’d
                         your guys’ sense of adventure go?

                                   BUTTON DOWN SHIRT GUY
                         Lost it when I told Cathy I was
                         charged with exposing myself to
                         minors.

                                   TOKEN BLACK GUY
                         Whatever, haven’t you heard about
                         prison politics? I’m screwed for
                         hanging out with you guys.

               Gary puts his hand on Token Black Guy’s shoulder. It’s
               quickly pushed away.

                                   GARY
                         I’m sorry guys but we’re all in
                         this together.

               Silence… A guard walks up to the cell, opens the door.

                                   GUARD
                         Fritters, Gary J. Your bond has
                         been posted. You’re free to go.

               Gary looks around. Sprints out of the cell.

                                   EVERYONE
                         What?/No way!/You’ll pay for this
                         bitch!

0 notes

The Black Hand Lager

               INT. UNKNOWN LOCATION - INT.

               GUINNESS BLACK LAGER PITCHMAN’s (GBLPM) eyes open.
               He’s bound to a chair in a room with no windows. A single
               light hangs from above. Looking around, he sees the TWO GOONS
               he rode in the elevator with earlier.

                                   GBLPM
                             (Rasping)
                         Where… where am I?

               BALD GOON holds up a Guinness Black Lager in one hand, a
               bottle of pills in the other. He shakes the pill bottle.

                                   BALD GOON
                         You should be more careful about
                         setting down your drink.

               SHORT GOON walks over to a door and knocks twice. After a
               moment, the door opens and a blinding light fills the room.
               GBLPM squints to see a silhouetted man in a suit and fedora
               approaching.

                                   GBLPM
                             (recognizing)
                         Don Gregorio?

               DON GREGORIO (64) strikes a match, lights a cigar, exhales,
               and stares at GBLPM.

                                   DON GREGORIO
                         So you know who I am.

                                   GBLPM
                         Of course, but how do you know me?

               Don Gregorio nods to Short Goon, who leaves the room,
               shutting the door behind him.

                                   DON GREGORIO
                         You’re the guy going around talking
                         about the refreshing qualities of
                         black beverages.

                                   GBLPM
                             (smiling)
                         Yes, Guinness Black Lager, cola,
                         and iced coffee all…

               SMACK! Bald Goon silences GBLPM with a backhand.

                                   DON GREGORIO
                         There’s three kinds of people I
                         can’t tolerate.

               Don Gregorio steps forward, inches from GBLPM’s face.

                                   DON GREGORIO (CONT’D)
                         Pigs. Rats. And people who use a
                         logical fallacy to argue a point.

                                   GBLPM
                         What?

                                   DON GREGORIO
                         Correlation does not imply
                         causation. The drinks are
                         refreshing and black. Not
                         refreshing because they’re black.

                                   GBLPM
                         So?

               WHACK! Bald Goon rubs his knuckles after striking GBLPM.

                                   DON GREGORIO
                         So? It’s part of my code. I majored
                         in philosophy at Duke.

                                   BALD GOON
                         Plus, coffee and cola are more of a
                         dark brown anyway.

               Don Gregorio glares at Bald Goon who immediately looks away.
               Short Goon comes back into the room carrying three jugs.

                                   GBLPM
                             (defiant)
                         Everything I said was true.

               Don Gregorio considers this. Waves Short Goon forward.

                                   DON GREGORIO
                         Maybe, but your theory needs a
                         larger sample size.

                                   GBLPM
                             (desperate)
                         What’s in the jugs?
                             (more desperate)
                         What’s in the JUGS?

                                   DON GREGORIO
                         Ink, oil, and tar. All black. Let’s
                         see about refreshing.

                                   GBLPM
                         Wait! No! Please!

               The goons force GBLPM’s mouth open. Don Gregorio discards his
               cigar, grabs a jug, and moves forward with maniacal laughter.