For Your Eyes Only
INT. TAXI CAB - DAY
DADDY stops waving and rolls up his window as his family
fades in the distance. He addresses TAXI DRIVER (48).
Don’t take the freeway. We’ll never
make it on time.
Yes sir. Please buckle up.
Daddy fastenes his seat belt, looks at his phone, and presses
play. MOMMY appears on screen in a sexy black négligée.
Hey Daddy, press pause and put on
headphones for this.
Daddy looks up sheepishly and makes eye contact with Taxi
Driver in the rearview mirror.
Daddy puts on his headphones and presses play.
Daddy, we’ve been made. Santoko is
dead, and the Ultrechs are making
their move. For the girls’ sake, I
couldn’t risk telling you before.
Meet us at the safe house. I love
Daddy removes his headphones. Thinks for a moment.
Hey man, slight change of plans. I
actually need to go to…
Suddenly Taxi Driver slams on the gas, the acceleration
throws Daddy back against his seat. A thick fiberglass
divider raises from the floor, sealing Daddy in the back.
What the hell?!!
Blue smoke begins pouring into the back from a vent. Daddy
begins coughing immediately. He presses on his seat belt, but
the buckle won’t release.
Daddy pulls a switchblade from his pocket and cuts the belt.
He tries the door. Punches the divider. Kicks the window.
Nothing. His coughing turns to gasping.
Daddy grabs his Samsung Galaxy III, selects “Mommy” from
contacts and starts typing.
The phone falls from Daddy’s hand. He collapses, foam coming
from his mouth. Up front, Taxi Driver holds a shitty HTC
phone to his ear.
He hangs up the phone and pulls onto the on ramp leading to
Play It Again… And Again
EXT. GEICO DITTY STAGE - MOMENTS LATER
JIMMY looks at RONNIE. Exhausted.
I’m out of ideas. I can’t keep up
with this pace.
We have to keep going.
We shouldn’t bear this burden alone!
A loud rumble. The ground shakes. They share a panicked look.
Oh no, no, no. Already? Play
I got nothing.
Please! Assuage the Gods!
Jimmy clears his throat and strums a familiar ditty.
You know Ronnie, folks who save
hundreds of dollars by switching to
Geico sure are happy.
Ronnie does G.E. Smith face, riffs off of Jimmy.
How happy are they Jimmy?
Jimmy pauses. Ronnie stares. Begging.
Happier than a rat during the
The ground shakes.
Happier than whatever polar bears
The sky darkens. Thunder claps.
Happier that a Doomsday prepper at
the fall of Western Civilization.
Small tornadoes descend from the heavens.
Happier than Caligula being fed
grapes by a pre-pubescent boy.
The ground splinters. Ronnie falls. Loses his glasses.
Happier than a trustafarian finding
a drum cicle at Bonnaroo.
The shaking stops. Skies clear. Birds chirp. Ronnie gets up.
Both men weep as they strum the final few chords together.
I’m sorry Jimmy, but this is our
destiny. It is written.
I know Ronnie. I know.
The ground begins to shake…
EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - DAY
Dozens of police cars create a semi-circle outside of a small
home. Cops scramble into position, and take aim at the home
with handguns, shotguns, and assault rifles.
Behind the cars, a S.W.A.T. team has assembled a makeshift
command center. The team leader MCBRIDE (38) shows CHIEF
DAVIS (50), a laptop. On the screen us the interior of the
home. VIKING is surrounded by 18-20 women, oblivious to
what’s happening outside.
We got the fiber optics in Sir.
Should be an easy takedown.
This needs to be precise. There are
some important women in there.
A motorcycle engine revs. The men turn their heads, and see a
chopper being let through the perimeter set up to keep the
press and public at a safe distance.
Commander, we don’t need…
I don’t want to hear it McBride.
Guardado is the best we’ve got.
Guardado dismounts the chopper and walks towards the command
center, removing the helmet and revealing that Guardado is a
woman (Vanessa Marcil).
Got here as fast as I could Chief. What
do we got?
(pointing to the screen)
Take a look.
Guardao moves in close to the laptop.
Some asshole is creating his own
Valhalla. He’s been going around
taking the cars and women of
unhandy men. Including the DA’s.
The women don’t look too upset.
Ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Unhandy men… I got an idea.
No way! We’re taking that door!
(moving close to McBride)
Afraid to lose to a girl, like you
did at The Academy McBride?
You just want to get the glory.
If you think it’s about getting
glory, then you’ll never get it.
What do you need Guardado?
A woman, a car, and everyone gone.
EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - MOMENTS LATER
The Police presence is gone from in front of the home. A
dusty car drives slowly down the street, and comes to a stop
in front of the house. The hazard lights go on.
A man (but wait, it’s really Guardado in disguise) gets out
and looks under the hood, clueless. A bored young woman sits
shotgun. Twirls her hair.
INT. VIKING’S LAIR - CONTINUOUS
Viking, being fed grapes by one of the women, senses
something in the air. He gets up and moves to the window.
EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - CONTINUOUS
Using peripheral vision, Guardado sees a curtain move inside.
(into a hidden wire)
We’ve got movement. Wait for my go.
Viking, in full regalia, exits the home and approaches the
car with swagger. He smiles at the woman in the car.
You don’t deser…
A shot rings out. Viking crumbles to the ground.
(running to Viking in slow
Guardado reaches him. Cradles him. He’s gone.
Staring across the street Guardado sees McBride on a rooftop
holding a sniper rifle. He smiles and blows her a kiss.
INT. THE OFFICE OF DR. RUBIN CARLICHIO - DAY
Multiple diplomas and hunting pictures from Africa adorn the
walls of DR. RUBIN CARLICHIO. The Dr. (52) sits at a mahogany
desk conducting therapy session with CHAZ (24, Goth) who lays
on the couch.
That sounds like a liberating
experience to me Chaz, yet you call
it the worst night of your life.
I got pulled over doing 100 in a
65, spent the night in jail and
lost my license.
That’s not so…
I’m not finished.
Think I got an apology from Eric
Gilmartin for punching me and
repeatedly kicking me in the ribs?
No. He and his boys scrawled “Chaz
the Spazz” in feces on Dad’s Audi
and threw flaming bags of it at our
house all summer.
Unfortunate? Unfortunate was Ali’s
restraining order. I wasn’t allowed
within 500 feet of graduation.
So, she DIDN’T like it. Because
from the initial description it
sounded like maybe…
Chaz sits up. Stares at the doctor.
And when Princeton found out, Dad’s
conspicuous consumption was
powerless, and I…
I had to go to Middlebury.
Dear God. Chaz, that’s horrible.
I’m so sorry.
100,000 Doritos Later
EXT. SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY - DAY
In the breakdown lane of a highway strewn with litter and and
abandoned vehicles, two men huddle against a rusted
convertible. In the distance, a city burns.
Seated with his back against the car, VALET GUY (35) cradles
the head of DOUCHEY EXEC (42) in his lap. Douchey Exec
struggles to breath. Tears form in Valet Guy’s eyes.
Well, looks like it’s the end.
Don’t say that. Don’t you ever…
It’s okay. We had a great run.
A violent cough seizes Douchey Exec. He spits blood onto
Valet Guy’s shoe.
DOUCHEY EXEC (CONT’D)
You hated me at first.
It was just a misunderstanding.
I deserved it. Thought I had life
all figured out. But you guys
taught me what it meant to LIVE.
Valet Guy swats a fly away from Douchey Exec’s forehead.
That much time on the road changed
God, remember the dive bar in Santa
Fe, and Banana and Officer Mustache
hustled those locals?
Sixty thousand Doritos ago.
Douchey Exec’s laughter turns into an agonizing coughing fit.
It’s sickening. Valet Guy keeps his eyes forward, stroking
his friend’s back until the fit subsides.
I miss those bastards.
They weren’t meant for this. Too
much light for a world this dark.
For a moment they sit in silence, letting the twilight Sun
caress their faces.
You need to go.
There’s no threat here.
There never is, until there is.
We’ve seen the beginning of the end
together, but there’s no Doritos
left for me.
They make eye contact. Holding the stare. Saying more than
words ever could.
DOUCHEY EXEC (CONT’D)
For the bold!
For the bold.
With a quick, unforgiving motion, Valet Guy SNAPS Douchey
Exec’s neck. Douchey Exec’s legs give a quick kick, and then
go limp. Valet Guy hangs his head and begins to sob.
TYPE SUPER: 10 DORITOS LATER
EXT. HIGHWAY - DUSK
With tears and nacho cheese streaked across his face, Valet
Guy speeds the convertible down the deserted highway. He
looks in the rearview at a banana suit, a police officer’s
uniform, and a business suit all folded neatly in the back
seat. He sets his gaze forward and presses down the
accelerator going faster… faster… faster…
Push It To The Limit
INT. LAUREN’S APARTMENT - EVENING
LAUREN pauses her television and stares at JACK on the screen
with ALICIA KEYS.
No way Jack. I ended it. You don’t
get to win.
Lauren drops to the floor and begins doing bicycle crunches
as “Push It To The Limit” (Scarface, South Park edit) begins
and plays throughout…
MONTAGE - LAUREN IN ACTION
— Lauren stares into her closet. Frowns.
— Lauren emerges from Saks with a half dozen bags.
— Lauren’s hairdresser reveals a fresh cut & color. They nod
to each other. You looking good girl.
” Push it to the limit.
Walk along the razor’s edge, but
don’t look down just keep your
head, and you’ll be finished.”
— Lauren walks to the front of a packed Zumba class, takes
the INSTRUCTOR’s headset, pushes him away, and starts
expertly leading. Everyone mirrors her movement.
— Lauren exits the gym and snakes a cab from an INVESTMENT
BANKER TYPE. He stares in awe.
"Open up the limit.
Past the point of no return,
reached the top but still you gotta
learn how to keep it.”
— Lauren and THREE FRIENDS drink Bellinis at a swanky
rooftop bar. Lauren scribbles her number on a napkin and goes
to hand it to a HOT BARTENDER. As he reaches for it, she
tears it up and throws it in his face. The women all high
five as he scrambles to pick up the pieces.
“Hit the wheel and double mistakes.
Throttle wide open like a bat out
of hell, and you crash the gates.
(Crash the gates!)”
— At a self-defense seminar, Lauren repeatedly kicks a
heavily-padded man in the groin, takes him to the ground, and
applies an arm bar. He taps. She doesn’t relent.
“Going for the back of beyond.
Nothing gonna stop you, there’s
nothing that strong. So close now
you’re nearly at the brink, so push
— Lauren lays on a massage table at a high end day spa with
cucumbers on her eyes.
— A Marquee reads TONIGHT: KENNY CHESNEY
— An ENORMOUS BOUNCER stops Lauren at the velvet rope.
— Lauren emerges from a Janitor’s closet. The bouncer
stumbles out behind her. His world rocked.
"Welcome to the limiiiit!"
— KENNY CHESNEY sees Lauren in the front row, he pulls her
up on stage.
"Push it to the limiiit!"
— Lauren takes a selfie with Kenny with the audience in the
INT. JACK’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Jack sips on Malbec and reads Harper’s as “Hey Soul Sister”
by Train plays in the background. His phone buzzes, an
incoming text. He picks it up and looks.
God damn it!
Jack drops to the floor and starts doing push ups as “Hearts
on Fire” (Rocky IV) begins and plays throughout…
I/E. MULTIPLE LOCATIONS - DAY
DOUCHEY PITCHMAN (DP) exits the UTI building. Strides across
the parking lot. Inflated sense of self importance.
This hyper-aggressive, toolish
bravado isn’t an act, it’s a curse.
DP pushes a shopping cart filled entirely with steak.
It started out as a way to get
people to recognize and respect me.
DP walks on a treadmill set to a nearly impossible incline.
Holds the rails for support.
But regardless of the negative
reactions to my contrived alpha
maleness, I can’t stop.
DP walks down the aisle of the church, cutting the Communion
line and snagging a wafer.
I’ve spent every holiday alone
since Mom died.
The Body of Christ…
DP walks along skid row. Stops to warm his hands over a
burning trash can. Keeps walking.
I haven’t had a woman in years.
DP walks in front of a bus. Braces for impact. The bus
swerves. He keeps walking.
I’m so damn lonely. The UTI 1-800
number goes directly to my cell.
DP walks down a long pier. Wrapped in heavy chains.
Please. Call before I reach the end
DP walks off the pier and plunges into the water.
INT. NYC APARTMENT - DAY
MEGHAN (27) enters her apartment carrying groceries. She sets
down her keys and walks to the kitchen, passing a closed door
from which there is a soft buzzing sound.
Hey Dave, I’m home.
Setting the groceries on the counter, she gets a bottle of
beer from the fridge, twists off the cap, and takes a sip.
She turns away from the fridge, drops the beer, and screams.
I’d lance a boil with me.
DAVE (27), who is completely hairless, moves towards her. In
his right hand a Norelco razor. In his left hand a cat
missing roughly 80% of its fur.
What did you to Robbie?!?!
Dave drags the razor across ROBBIE (3) again. Robbie audibly
I’d swap vials of blood with me.
I got you the Norelco for light
grooming. This is FUCKED.
He shaves off the tip of Robbie’s tail.
I could stop, but I’d rather watch
Aaron Sorkin’s “The Newsroom” with
Now you’re REALLY scaring me Dave.
Dave tosses Robbie and lunges at Meghan. He loses his footing
on the spilt beer and crashes to the ground. As he struggles
to get up, Meghan knocks him unconscious with a baking pin.
She grabs Robbie and runs out screaming. The apartment is
left totally silent except for the sound of the Norelco,
buzzing on the floor next to Dave.
Men Without Hope
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL - DAY
15 MEN WITHOUT PANTS sit in the corner of a larger holding
cell. From a few a feet away the other inmates glare at them.
MUSCULAR TAN GUY
Great idea Gary.
GARY (Blond mullet, red underwear) cowers.
BEARD AND GLASSES GUY
I thought the Men Being Men Club
was going to be golfing and eating
assorted meats. Not this.
DENIM JACKET GUY
We’ll be eating meat soon. Sex
offenders don’t last in gen pop.
Everyone stares at Gary.
How was I supposed to know there
was a day camp up there? Where’d
your guys’ sense of adventure go?
BUTTON DOWN SHIRT GUY
Lost it when I told Cathy I was
charged with exposing myself to
TOKEN BLACK GUY
Whatever, haven’t you heard about
prison politics? I’m screwed for
hanging out with you guys.
Gary puts his hand on Token Black Guy’s shoulder. It’s
quickly pushed away.
I’m sorry guys but we’re all in
Silence… A guard walks up to the cell, opens the door.
Fritters, Gary J. Your bond has
been posted. You’re free to go.
Gary looks around. Sprints out of the cell.
What?/No way!/You’ll pay for this
The Black Hand Lager
INT. UNKNOWN LOCATION - INT.
GUINNESS BLACK LAGER PITCHMAN’s (GBLPM) eyes open.
He’s bound to a chair in a room with no windows. A single
light hangs from above. Looking around, he sees the TWO GOONS
he rode in the elevator with earlier.
Where… where am I?
BALD GOON holds up a Guinness Black Lager in one hand, a
bottle of pills in the other. He shakes the pill bottle.
You should be more careful about
setting down your drink.
SHORT GOON walks over to a door and knocks twice. After a
moment, the door opens and a blinding light fills the room.
GBLPM squints to see a silhouetted man in a suit and fedora
DON GREGORIO (64) strikes a match, lights a cigar, exhales,
and stares at GBLPM.
So you know who I am.
Of course, but how do you know me?
Don Gregorio nods to Short Goon, who leaves the room,
shutting the door behind him.
You’re the guy going around talking
about the refreshing qualities of
Yes, Guinness Black Lager, cola,
and iced coffee all…
SMACK! Bald Goon silences GBLPM with a backhand.
There’s three kinds of people I
Don Gregorio steps forward, inches from GBLPM’s face.
DON GREGORIO (CONT’D)
Pigs. Rats. And people who use a
logical fallacy to argue a point.
Correlation does not imply
causation. The drinks are
refreshing and black. Not
refreshing because they’re black.
WHACK! Bald Goon rubs his knuckles after striking GBLPM.
So? It’s part of my code. I majored
in philosophy at Duke.
Plus, coffee and cola are more of a
dark brown anyway.
Don Gregorio glares at Bald Goon who immediately looks away.
Short Goon comes back into the room carrying three jugs.
Everything I said was true.
Don Gregorio considers this. Waves Short Goon forward.
Maybe, but your theory needs a
larger sample size.
What’s in the jugs?
What’s in the JUGS?
Ink, oil, and tar. All black. Let’s
see about refreshing.
Wait! No! Please!
The goons force GBLPM’s mouth open. Don Gregorio discards his
cigar, grabs a jug, and moves forward with maniacal laughter.